Saturday, December 08, 2012

The Hungry Wolf

I have a confession to make.  

Some days, I'm a crappy mom.

There, I've said it.  Am I proud of it?  No stinkin' way.  Am I convinced that I'm the only mom who feels this way?  Definitely not.  Do I still feel guilty for possible creating behaviours that will come back to bite me in the ass butt?  Absolutely, without conviction.

So what brought this all on, you may ask?  It's not like the heavens opened, thunder boomed, lightning crashed, and an all-powerful voice said, "...Oh, and by the way?  You STUNK today at being a mom!"

Although, to be honest - a little accountability like that wouldn't hurt some days.

A while ago, in my web surfing travels, I came across this excerpt on the Domestic Simplicity blog from Krista Tippett’s interview with Sylvia Boorstein called, “What We Nurture”:

“One of my friends has a story he likes to tell: A wise grandfather says to his grandson…’I have two wolves in my heart, one is loving and the other is vicious and they are at war with each other.’ And the grandson says, ‘Which is going to win?’ And the grandparent says, ‘The one I feed.’ I think our children learn to speak in the tone we speak in or to hold people kindly if we do.”

The moment I read that excerpt, I felt shame wash over me.

There are times when I can feel the stress and frustrations of the day building up inside of me, usually caused by outside factors, and it comes bursting out of me, like molten lava. And who is usually unfortunate enough to be in front of me when it happens?  My children.  Of course, I feel guilt and regret instantaneously, which only multiplies when I see the hurt or bewilderment on their sweet faces.  And even though I apologize profusely, it's too late to take back the sarcastic words or sharp tone.

Yes, I know that our kids model what they see.  No, I do not want them to model this behaviour.  Every once in a while, I will witness an outburst from THEM and can see shades of what THEY see when I do the same.

I talk to them about using their words to express what they mean and about thinking things through and being patient.  But I sometimes don't practice what I preach.  Which I know confuses them even more.

And so, as Sam Cooke once sang, a change is gonna come...

The last few weeks have been particularly trying, with me having to miss work because of sickness (both Aili and I), late nights to catch up, projects due, deadlines looming... and Gary trying to adjust to being back to work.

But every day, Life happens.  And it goes by so quick, that it's worth the extra effort to make sure that you live it exactly as it's meant to be lived, feeding the loving wolf.

Who did YOU feed today?


P/S:  Don't forget about the following challenges on my blog for a chance to win:
It's a Sketchy Challenge:  Dec 2012 (deadline:  Dec 31/12)
Leave Your Legacy: What You Fear Most (deadline:  Feb 28/13)

1 comment:

  1. Wow! This is so true! We all have days like that. My SIL once told me she wished she had a lot of patience like me! Ha! I told her that no one knows what goes on behind closed doors. The grass is not always greener on the other side. I struggle everyday to keep it cool when everything seems to be going on at the same time. Thanks for sharing and making me feel a little "normal" :)


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